Not being on the same page as your husband is hard, especially when it comes to whether or not you should have kids.
If you’re sure that you don’t want to have children, but your spouse keeps resisting, continue reading. Here’s advice on how to handle this delicate situation.
In this article
- Have The Conversation Early On
- Should You Break Up?
- Misconceptions About Having Children
- Talk Things Through With Your Husband
- Talking Points To Have With Your Spouse
Have The Conversation Early On
Having children with your spouse is a huge step in the relationship. But it’s not the only way you can feel close to your partner.
Many couples who opt out of this life experience have the time and funds to travel the world. Not to mention, you won’t have as many responsibilities as parents usually do.
It’s no wonder many women would instead choose to remain married without kids. However, make this known early on.
The decision to have kids is just as special. For some, it can even be a deal-breaker. One can have an incredible bond with their child, and the memories you can create with them are unparalleled.
Understand where your husband is coming from. However, you don’t have to waver from your firm decision.
You can’t return a baby to the store after a few years. Since this decision will dramatically change your life, have this conversation with your partner early on.
If you’re not on the same page, this is a large enough reason to break up in a relationship. However, marriage is a bit more complicated.
Should You Break Up?
Every relationship is different. Therefore, you can’t turn to the internet for concrete answers. However, if one of you wants children desperately, it’s safe to say that things will not work out in the long run.
Either of you should not have to compromise and risk becoming unhappy. This is why this matter MUST be discussed before marriage.
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If you choose to have kids just to keep your husband happy, things can turn disastrous. Additionally, do not have children because you’re bored or unhappy with your marriage. This is an unfair stressor to place on an unborn child.
They are the ones that will have to live with the consequences. Bringing a child up in an unhappy household is far worse than not having kids.
If you don’t have kids, this could disappoint your spouse and cause them to feel unfilled in life and the relationship.
If you have encountered this scenario, where you want kids and your husband is still pressing you about the issue, you have two options.
Go to marriage counseling. Perhaps this issue has another source. If this does not work, divorcing your spouse is the healthiest option as it will ensure and secure long-term happiness for both parties.
This news can be hard to hear, but if it’s been years of this constant back and forth, it will take a toll on your mental health. It may also cause your husband to look for happiness in other places. Therefore, take this course to save you more heartache in the future.
Misconceptions About Having Children
Your choice to not have children is valid. While friends and family may shame you for not fitting the mold, here are a few misconceptions about having kids to put you at ease with your decision.
You’ll Change Your Mind
Often, when women tell people that they don’t want kids, they are met with this typical response: “You’ll change your mind! Have them now before it’s too late.”
But having children isn’t the default setting in life. There is nothing wrong with opting out of this experience.
Sure, some women may change their minds after a few years of being married without children. But don’t have to make this life-altering choice out of fear. You can find happiness and fulfillment in other ways.
The Biological Clock is Ticking
Society tells women that they only have a few years before kids are no longer an option. Once they hit 30, they can say goodbye to the chance of having a bouncing baby girl or boy. However, this is false.
Don’t let someone bombard you with this expectation when you’re only 28 or 30! Sure, scientifically speaking, women are at their most fertile in their 20s. But having a child isn’t impossible beyond this.
So go ahead and focus on building a stable career in your 20’s, 30’s, and beyond if this is what you want in life.
An Adoption Is An Option
Women who may not necessarily want to give birth may also adopt a child in need. If you have this deep desire to be a mother but find that pregnancy and giving birth may not be the route for you, you can still make a difference in a child’s life.
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Reflect and consider this possibility if you still have that maternal instinct.
Am I Selfish for Not Wanting Kids?
Not wanting to wake up early to change diapers does not make you selfish. Having children is both a permanent and personal decision, and it’s definitely not for everyone.
Having kids out of a need to prove something to someone, on the other hand, is quite a selfish gesture.
You’re Still In A Family, Albeit Not A Traditional One
When people think of a family, they have this old-school idea of what it should look like. They imagine a working husband, a stay at home mother, two young kids, a white picket fence, and a dog named Spot.
Societal norms are changing every day. Your family can consist of simply your spouse, a goldfish, and a dog if you want! There are no hard and fast rules, despite what’s been presented as the typical American family for years.
Throw that idea of the “traditional” family out the window and create your own definition.
Will Kids Make Me Happy?
If you feel as if something is missing from your life and relationship — here’s a spoiler alert! It’s not children! Yes, children are supposed to add something to your life. But they’re not necessarily going to be your entire world.
After all, they will grow up eventually and start families of their own. What are you supposed to do with your life once they’re independent? You can risk losing yourself.
Talk Things Through With Your Husband
Armed with these valid arguments, you should be ready to present your points to your significant other about this matter.
Alternative Ways Your Husband Can Serve as a Father Figure
The good news is that your spouse can serve as a father figure to a child — without you having actually to start a family.
- Coaching Little League – If your husband is more sports-orientated, they can be an effective and lovable little league coach.
- Boy Scout Leader – If your husband enjoys activities like camping and hiking, they’ll be a great camp counselor.
- Teaching the Youth – If your husband is looking for a career change, they can also become a teacher and teach grades K-12. Going this route also allows them to change the lives of hundreds of children.
- Volunteering as a Big Brother – Big brothers and sisters are volunteers who help bring smiles to underprivileged children’s faces. If your husband wants to serve as a close role model to a child in need, have him become a member.
Talking Points To Have With Your Spouse
If your husband is still persistent, and you’re still firm in your decision, sit down and have an honest talk with them. Use these bullets as a guide to help lead the conversation.
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- Why are you feeling like this now?
- How will we support this hypothetical child?
- Have you thought about how this will affect our relationship?
- I don’t want kids. Will you resent me down the line?
- Is our partnership enough for you?
Also, make it clear that you are not willing to negotiate on this. Many issues in a marriage can be fixed with communication and compromise, but bringing another life into the world shouldn’t be up for debate.
Navigating a relationship can be hard, especially when only one of you wants kids. If you’re married and can’t have kids, or don’t want kids, understand that there is nothing wrong with you! Despite what society, family, and friends may be echoing.
You are not selfish. You are not a bad person.
If you’ve been open about not wanting kids prior to getting married, talk to your husband, and let them know they can’t hold this over you.
Your value as a person isn’t dependent on becoming a mother. This is a personal choice that you don’t ever have to compromise on — remember that.